The change of seasons is typically hard for me. I finally get comfortable in jeans and sweaters and suddenly its time for skirts, shorts, and sleeveless! It brings me a bit of anxiety even today. I have no easy fix for my head and my heart when I am faced with the changing of winter to spring to summer.

Yesterday, I was shopping with my best friend and her mom. We were in the fitting room and were trying on outfit after outfit, hoping for a few pieces to add to my spring wardrobe. Some things fit, some things did not fit. Some were too big, some were too small, and some just simply didn’t fit my body or personality.

I didn’t cry, I didn’t get sad, I didn’t even get frustrated. And, with each outfit I walked out and showed my friend and her mom. That is a huge step for me. I never used to show friends what I tried on. And gradually it has gotten easier. I didn’t feel judged. I wasn’t worried that she would stop loving me if an outfit did not fit well or look right and I even didn’t mind that on some outfits the size sticker was visible when I tried it on. I even let my friend’s mom get me a different size in a few things.

Yesterday was a successful shopping day in my book. And I am thankful for these clear examples of how far I have come in my recovery from my eating disorder. I am hoping and praying this change of seasons will be graceful and not so harsh for me this year.

I was driving through a long mountain tunnel in the Smoky Mountains today. As I neared the end of the tunnel I smiled at myself because, at that moment I was reminded that the journey was the most important part.

When I was a little girl, I remember watching a movie and the little girl in the movie said, every time you go in a tunnel you should hold your breath and make a wish, and if you hold your breath all the way to the end of the tunnel, your wish will come true. From that very day I started my tunnel wishing. I think I was 8 years old. And every tunnel, every single time, every single year, no matter how old, I would wish the same. I would wish to be thin and beautiful and loved.

I have really been struggling with my body, and emotions, and feeling loved, lately. Though I am still healthy and not using behaviors and talking through it, I have been slightly – well, okay, a lot, discouraged. I have doubted friendships, wondered if I am good enough, and just been sad. But, today when I neared the end of the tunnel I realized I was breathing! I was breathing and I was singing! That meant I wasn’t wishing! For the first time in my life I went into a tunnel and I didn’t make that same wish! I kept living my life, I didn’t believe a silly rule I had made up so long ago, and I was still breathing!

It was such a comfort to understand that even if I am a bit discouraged, I have come so far. My life is NOT defined by my eating disorder right now and I don’t ever want it to be again. It’s all about the journey…and getting through that tunnel today reminded me that my journey is not over…I’m still moving, I’m still exploring, I am still living.

It’s been more than 50 days since I last knew how much I weighed. In my last post I wrote how scary and unfamiliar it was. Well, I’ve come to appreciate a new source of light and freedom in what I thought was a very dark place. It’s amazing where my focus has gone and the things I’ve realized since there hasn’t been a number demanding my full attention. Here are some of my personal revelations:
 
 - When I don’t know how to think or feel about my body, whether to like it, love it or hate it, I want the scale’s input to help decide.
- Just because I don’t see a number daily, doesn’t mean I’m exempt from body image crises. I saw my reflection one day in a mirror and it threw me for a loop. Seeing myself in a photograph is still humbling because it’s not what I see in my bathroom mirror. The reflection from my bathroom mirror is much thinner.
- I am thinner, but I’m not thin. This isn’t the end of the journey. I have not “arrived.”
- Going near the scale tempts me to hop on. Otherwise, out of sight–out of mind. The temptation to weigh in general has gotten less intense as time has gone on.
- I’m sad that I don’t get to know or celebrate 50 lb or 100 lb weight-loss goals (yes, I really have that much to lose). I need to find other successes to celebrate, but at the moment my thought patterns haven’t completely switched over so I still think celebrating anything else isn’t good enough.
- I can better see how other people are trapped by the scale. I want to free them, but my words alone aren’t enough. Their chains break my heart. Funny how I could never see my own chains.
- My story, though just beginning, inspires others to be bold and healthier.

There is so much more that is happening and to fill you in on, but I’m overwhelmed this week with work and trying to get my house up for sale. However, before wrapping up this post I just want to offer you hope, if it’s hope that you need. Maybe even encouragement if that’s what you’re running out of. I’ve been talking with my therapist this week about healing. Really, complete healing from this eating disorder thing? Without cliché-like replies, the answer is yes. I’ve said it before and I’m learning to take it to heart now – Jesus has, is, and will give us, all we need to get well. But dear ones, it means getting to know the Healer and to walk in an ever increasingly deeper relationship with him. There is hope. There is freedom. It’s not easy, but it is not impossible either.

Lastly, I want to open things up for questions. Curious about my journey with the scale or the lack there of? Post a comment/question and I will answer. I will check daily and I will gladly be candid and honest. Frustrated at the God stuff? Let’s talk about it. Right here. I’m ready when you are.

It may seem funny for me to be writing about something in the Bible that we look at mostly during Christmas time, but since I see that this applies to eating disorders I figured I’d bring it up now. One of my very favorite things of all is when God shows me something in the Bible that I’ve never seen before. Here’s something I saw through a new lens that added fresh flavor to an old story.

Let’s go back to what we traditionally refer to as “The Christmas Story.” In Matthew 1:18 we read that Mary, Jesus’ mother “was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit.” We’ve all read or heard these words since we were little kids and I realize that it can easily become less than impacting just because we’ve heard it so many times, year after year.

Yet the part that struck me anew is that this shows me that God, the Holy Spirit is not afraid to enter into our stuff, body and all. He intersected with Mary’s life in a very personal way so much so that it impacted her body completely. I think it’s amazing that God is willing to invade our bodies in order to accomplish a miracle. He’s the same miracle-working God today as He was 2000 years ago and He is still able to do miracles in our bodies as a result of intersecting with us in the way we need Him to.

The Holy Spirit brought a miracle to Mary in her body. This is exactly where women need to experience a miracle because of all the hurt and shame we carry. We need a supernatural touch in our physical bodies in order to experience healing, and this beautiful story reminds me that God is willing to touch down and meet us in real ways in our bodies.

Mary was willing for her body to be used for God’s purposes. I wonder if I would be as willing as she was to surrender my body such that it would mess up my life plans in order to be a vessel for His glory. I’m honestly not so sure I’d be on board with the assignment if I was given the choice.

Yet every time we choose to come under God’s authority in the way we treat our body, whether with food or with sex or with exercise, we are giving God glory through our physical being like Mary did. I truly believe that this is as much of a gift to God as Mary gave. God, today I give you my body again and surrender myself to you anew.

Once upon a time there was a young energetic girl named Lee. She met a handsome man named Chris.

They fell in love.

Madly in love.

Lee called Chris her “True Companion”.

But, there was a problem; Lee was also struggling with an eating disorder. It made their relationship very complicated, having three where there is supposed to be two.

Chris wondered if Ed (the eating disorder) would always be a struggle in Lee’s life, if Lee could ever live the full life God had for her? Chris also became very confused as how to help Lee.

He wanted to fix her, because he loved her.

But, he couldn’t fix her. It had to come from her. So he prayed, and despite his fears, he continued to love her.

And Lee did end her relationship with Ed. And Lee began to grow to be the woman God intended her to be. Chris learned how to support and encourage Lee. Then they married.

And now fourteen years, and three kids later, Lee and Chris are sharing their story. Sharing the hope that people do and can, with God’s help, recover from an eating disorder. Sharing their mistakes and joy’s along the journey together.

Chris and Lee will be sharing their story at the Hungry for Hope Conference! Come hear from Chris the mistakes he made, what he wished he had known, and what worked in supporting the woman he loved. And hear from Lee, what her recovery journey looked like, what life is like now while she works daily in a treatment center for those struggling with an eating disorder. One thing is for sure, you will leave their session educated, inspired, and encouraged!

I hope you will join us in Colorado Springs for this wonderful Hungry for Hope Conference!

Lee…and Chris

I wasn’t sure I was going to blog this week and then I realized the very reason I didn’t want to blog, caused the chaos in my head the last week or so! So, here I go. An attempt to share my life and be okay with not being perfect.

I feel like on this blog I have painted this picture of myself as a girl who is really strong in her faith, well into recovery from my eating disorder, and loving life now. And all of those things are very true. But, I must admit I am coming out of a weekend of complete isolation. A weekend where I ignored relationships, buried myself in work, and entertained thoughts of my eating disorder (no behaviors thank goodness!). I spent 2 days in my house sleeping. And each time I woke up I felt the same sadness, loneliness, and emptiness so I would just go back to sleep.

I got stuck last week. I got stuck because I didn’t feel in control. People are coming to evaluate my classroom and suddenly I am in freakout mode! All of the things I am not great at were magnified and I became obsessed with fixing them, according to some dumb book. My friends were doing various things and I felt alone, not good enough to “bother” them. And I felt ugly. Of course, because as soon as I am out of control it is easy to blame my body. Those old tapes start playing in my head, whispering that I am fat, ugly, worthless.

I think I am still learning a lesson in perfectionism. It will get me stuck every single time. I can’t be everything for everyone. I can’t be super Aubrey. I can’t fix my classroom AND other classrooms, I can’t be the encourager all of the time, I can’t be the best babysitter for every single person, I can’t be the prettiest, or the smartest. I just can’t. And if I am constantly pouring myself into being the greatest (instead of who God has called me to be) just to feel accepted- I will always be empty. Lonely. Sad.

I am thankful for my sweet friends right now who are loving me enough to slowly help me out of the ick. This week will pass. And it’s just a week. In the grand scheme of life I will not be defined by my score in my classroom, the size of my jeans, the number of friends I have, or how perfect (or imperfect) I am at life. Pride ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, comes before a fall.

 “Check yourself before you wreck your test”. A phrase I will NEVER forget. My algebra/precal teacher in high school said it over and over and over again. I was always a bad “checker”. And as a result I always tested horribly. Funny, I heard his voice and that phrase in my head today and related it to my life coming out of my eating disorder.

Ick. I felt REALLY ugly today. Like, so much so, that I had a few fleeting (thank goodness) desires to use eating disorder behaviors. Thank goodness they have just been passing thoughts. But, why? I think it’s a hint for me to check my life right now. Are my priorities in check? Is my relationship with God in the forefront of my life? Am I taking care of myself? Or, am I relying on people to affirm me, am I too busy in an effort to avoid hard things?

It’s funny how great I am doing and at the same time how quickly I can slide into old habits that might trigger an eating disorder thought. And, I have to wonder if this is what my life forever and ever the end, will look like? A constant “check myself” before I “wreck myself” pattern. Maybe I should try to practice the whole “check yourself before you wreck your test” concept, daily. If each day I REALLY try to stay balanced…and I focus on how God wants to use me, and I am held accountable- there will be less chance of me “all of a sudden” waking up feeling painfully ugly. And, less chances of my life becoming so cluttered I forget about the truths that I know.

I grew up in the era where Sunday night “Wonderful World of Disney” TV specials were the norm. I remember loving the beginning of each show where Tinkerbell, with her magic wand in hand, would fly around the castle and with a touch of that wand make the castle sparkle and glisten. Through the power of suggestion (I’m sure Mr. Disney understood the lure of his magical kingdom to all children who watched his shows), this place was calling out to me to come see it in person. And even though it was a cartoon, I felt the tug to experience and see the real Disneyland and the real Disney castle and the real Disney Tinkerbell.

My first trip to Disneyland wasn’t until the age of 25. Yet even as a young adult, I felt like a little kid when I entered the Magic Kingdom that first time. I remember reading the sign that said I was leaving behind one world and now entering the happiest place on earth. I couldn’t believe that I was actually there in person!

I would say for the most part that the feel of the place and the beauty of it all enraptured me. But…(and this is a big “but”) there was one thing that caught me off guard: Cinderella’s castle. I remember standing in front of it in awe of how big and white and beautiful and magnificent it was. From the front it matched the image my mind had created from the pictures and I was mesmerized by it. But then I walked up the bridge and through it’s overpass, only to discover that there was nothing more than a face to essentially a fake building. I had no idea that it was merely a façade.

This may sound a little melodramatic, but I guess I would say that I felt a bit duped. Why had no one ever told me that what they presented the castle to be wasn’t the real deal? I wanted there to be more. But the truth was that it was a fake version of something that never existed.

What a reminder this is to me to be whole and congruent, where what I present to myself and the world is real and authentic, where the outside of me matches the inside. I want to live out my faith for Jesus because He is the core of my identity. I want His inside truth to align with what I present outwardly. But even further, I want to also be able to be real about the struggles and hurts that come up so that there is congruence between those hard things and what I present. And of course I have to choose wisely with whom I share the deepest part of me, but the key is that I have places where I open up at that level. It won’t always be pretty but at least it will be honest and real.

I heard Rob Bell speak on Sunday night. He asked those of us who have been touched by cancer, whether personally or with someone we love, to stand up. He had us look around at others who were standing and said that in that moment the molecules in the room literally changed. In a period of two minutes or so we went from feeling like strangers to feeling like there was a bond, a connection, between us. In other words, those of us who chose to be honest about our struggles in a courageous and transparent way were actually being drawn to each other, all the while seeing that we weren’t alone.

It’s amazing what happens when the masks come off and we transparently reveal our true selves. That’s where we connect with people in a unique way and are reminded that we’re not alone in the struggle. In order to do that though, we have to expose what’s under the façade and take the risk to reveal ourselves. Cinderella’s castle now reminds me that I want the outside of my “castle” to match what I present to the world, imperfections and all.

What is body prejudice? I define it as looking at someone’s body and assuming you know exactly what their story is. In our culture it comes out as, “Thin – she has it all together.” Or “Overweight – they must struggle with eating or over-eat.”

We get it from media.
We get it from family.
We get it from friends.

We even get it from strangers, or we give it to strangers, “Oh you look so thin how do you do it?”

As if “doing it” is something to do.

Or we read an article that talks about an overweight woman who is comfortable with her body the way it is, as if this is newsworthy!

All of these messages become ideas and they become ingrained in our brain.

And I hate it. It makes me very sad. And I think it makes God sad.

Ok, so I don’t know how it makes God feel really, but if I look at Jesus and what he was about, and I believe the scriptures are God-breathed then I deduct…it makes God sad.

And it makes me sad too; I don’t see why we can’t stop doing it!

Why do we think it is ok to comment on others body size? No matter what size they are.

I really don’t want to reveal this so nakedly here in print because it is hard to articulate accurately, but in order to explain where I am coming from I feel like I need to say it. I can only anticipate it is God leading me to share this with you in hopes that you will find it helpful. I desire that it will give you all a little more compassion and self-control before commenting on weight and body type.

Most people who hear me speak; hear my story of being a late bloomer. (Funny now that my last name is Blum) Internally, this lack of growing like my peers caused me a great deal of anxiety. When others looked like teenagers, I looked like a child. “God,” I would pray, please give me long hair. God please give me boobs. God please help me grow!” People gave me nicknames that included “little…pee wee…. and other definitions of small.” (Yes, I will admit it sometimes is nice now as I reach 40, and I don’t look as old…but it has taken many many years).

My mind interpreted these words as “invisible…unnoticeable…immature.” I took all of those comments as insults and longed to be a “real-looking-teenager.” My love affair with my eating disorder became not a quest to be smaller, but an overall feeling of “I don’t matter…I don’t take up space…why eat?” It was fueled by feelings of being less than combined with an overwhelming set of emotions that I couldn’t get a grip on…so I wanted to numb out. And, that led me deep into my relationship with Ed. For me, it really didn’t have much to do with wanting a certain body type or wanting to be thinner. Ed fed my skewed ideas that I didn’t deserve to eat or have a voice.

God had a different plan. God “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb.” (Psalm 139:13)

And I know that, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Thank God we have a God who knows better!

These last 14 years of recovery have brought me healing and passion and a sense of myself like I had never had before. I have also learned to be very comfortable in the body God gave me. The body God intended for me to live in. It is a journey for all of us and I believe it takes work!

How do we know what that body is? Well, when you are eating in moderation (intuitive eating …eating when hungry…stopping when full) and exercising in moderation the body finds its set point. The place where it WANTS to be. Usually it will stay within a consistent range.

God made the body intelligent.

It really knows what it wants to do. Which brings me to my point. If God made all different types of bodies, large, small, round and thin. Then do you think God prefers one to the other?

No.

Why in our society do we continue to hold up these images as if they are the ideal? When the reality is there are millions of different types and shapes and “molds.” And finally this leads me to my real point…

Why then do we comment on each other’s bodies? Why do we have Body Prejudice? Don’t we have other things to talk about? And, as you see from my own story that when someone comments on my size…even if they meant it as a compliment, my old self takes offense to it. Then my recovered self gently and lovingly reminds myself of the truth and then shares openly with that person that I don’t think it is appropriate to make comments about my body.

You are really walking in a danger field by doing so.

So just don’t do it! You wouldn’t walk up to a larger person and say, “you are so large…how do you do it?” Then don’t walk up to a smaller person and say, “you are so small…how do you do it.”

God makes people of all sizes! Now the disclaimer here is that when someone is unnaturally due to an eating disorder or someone is obese due to a binge eating disorder, then help is needed. But, even then it isn’t appropriate to comment on someone’s size.

So what can you do instead? How about looking at their eyes! I do this and I am always so amazed at the amazing beautiful fantastic eyes I see on a daily basis. And eyes don’t have ANYTHING to do with size. Say to someone, “Your eyes look so pretty in that sweater.” Or “your eyes look so bright today, looks like you are having a great day!”

Try doing this, and the more you do it the less you will be looking at body types, maybe you will stop comparing, and then you might even learn to appreciate and say a thanks to God for creating ALL shapes and sizes! And if people do comment on your body, remind them to be more sensitive!

EVERY size has a voice, large and small. We could do better in this country and in the media for teaching people to appreciate and love all sizes…but moreover learning to value other things like bright eyes or beautiful smiles!

God does, maybe we all could too and stop the Body Prejudice!
Hope this helps!

Lee

Something I have learned about Jesus; He will accept you just where you are AND He won’t leave you where He found you. The End. Okay, not the end. Something I have to do almost every day is refocus my life. In recovery from my eating disorder I tried many things and failed many times. There was always something I could say “triggered” me and it was okay then, to get back into a cycle.

And, one day I woke up. I realized that enough was enough. I couldn’t keep doing the same things because, “if you always do, what you’ve always done, you always get, what you always got”.

This is where Jesus comes in. Countless times He has obviously rescued me. He has made His presence known in my life, and I want my life to reflect His love for me. So, I had to refocus. I have to refocus. Every single day. If I wake up and my first thought is ugh, how can I get dressed my body is so…(fill in the blank)- I have to stop. Today is a gift, and how can I best use the talents God has given me to encourage and love someone today.

See, Jesus meets us where we are but, we have to refocus. We HAVE to do our part. I cannot focus on my body, my weight, food, and expect greatness in my life. Because, greatness comes from things of God (every good and perfect gift is from the father of lights James 1:17). I really encourage you to refocus this week. I need to challenge myself to do the same. To meditate on scripture. Things that are good, and right, and true. Because those are the things that keep my eating disorder away. Those are the things that bring me joy, and life, and happiness.