Clearly anyone who comes to this site and reads this blog is here because he or she has an interest in body image or weight or eating disorders or disordered eating. So let me dive right in and share something that I’ve wondered about for awhile now (and this is based on my own eating disorder history,z as well as from listening to my clients for the past 12 years).

I am curious as to why it is that so often high body weight people feel invisible in our culture whereas those struggling with anorexia are often trying to be invisible yet are noticed more because of their extreme thinness. It’s like the opposite happens between these two groups and neither one really gets his or her true heart needs met because of the reinforcement around them. Obviously both populations need to be seen for the beautiful people they are, individuals with innate value and worth in God’s sight.

Last week I found two amazing verses in I Corinthians 15:37 and 38: “When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. But God gives it a body as He has determined, and to each kind of seed He gives its own body.”

When we look at a seed we can never tell what kind of plant or tree it will be, but the people who put the seeds in packets know the truth of what it will grow to be like. Similarly, God knows exactly the truth of who we are in seed form, at the core of our being, and here it says that He knows exactly what kind of body fits with that seed. He decides what our body type will be and He matches the truth of the seed of our identity to the body that He puts us in.

God has placed us in the bodies we have and we’re right just the way we are. We have to stop wishing we looked like someone else and learn to accept our frames as they are because clearly God said that He determined the right shape for each of us.

It is freeing to think about the fact that we all have different bone structures and height and ethnicity and it all comes together to give us completely different looks. In other words, we’re not all supposed to look like Halle Berry or Jennifer Aniston. Instead we’re each placed in bodies that have their own unique shape and look that match God’s truth at our core. It seems to me that there would be wisdom then in asking God to help us discover His truths about who we are, truths that are tucked deep inside under the surface just like seeds are hidden yet hold incredible life in them.

So enjoy the body you have today, knowing that the truth of your identity is in the seed of who you are in Christ.

I am at an airport and I thought of this poem, and wanted to share it with you! (please note…I took the first line out about to make it more relative to this blog.)

Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley
Life can be like planning a fabulous vacation or trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handyphrases in Italian. It is all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.” “Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! Iam supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.” But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced that Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they are all bragging about a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s were I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” And the pain of that might not ever go away…because of the loss of a dream is a very significant loss. But, if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

When I relate this poem to eating disorders I think of it like this; You see, ED promises you Italy and all the while God is trying to show you Holland. Maybe you are so focused on getting to Italy you can’t even see life in Holland. What if God has great plans for you in Holland or what if you are so focused on Italy you can’t see the tulips? Or the windmills!

Another way to look at it; You planned on Italy and the eating disorder took you to Holland. What if Italy is still part of the plan, but you need to get treatment in Holland first? So, don’t let ED steal any more of the life you were meant to live away from you. Even if it is the life you didn’t imagine, or the struggle you didn’t want to have. Tell ED he is no longer an option, let God be your tour guide for where you are today… and start seeing the tulips and the Rembrandts! It can be beautiful!

Happy Living! LWB

I had a stomach bug this week. My biggest fear in my recovery from my eating disorder was how I would handle getting over being stomach sick. Before, I would have my 24 hour bug and then for days after, I would convince myself that my body still couldn’t tolerate food I would throw up…I would soon follow a stomach bug with a full cycle of restricting/purging, somehow convincing myself I was “sick”.

I learned this week that there was no “handling” getting over a stomach bug. I woke up 24 hours after not keeping even water down, and I was starving!! I had to still be off of work (as a teacher I have to follow the same no throwing up for 24 hours rule as the kids) so bright and early I went to the grocery store and bought waffles. I have never bought waffles. They just aren’t a food I have ever thought about liking but, it’s what sounded yummy after a few days of being icky. And, they were yummy!

A few days after the horrible stomach bug of 2010, I was laying in my best friend’s room watching TV and just talking…and I noticed my friend was distracted and sad and we started talking and I got so protective and told her of this magic “all better dust” I desperately wish for. I picture a really fine, soft, very sparkly dust that is very special. Once you get this dust you only have a teeny bit of it and you never get to have any again. I told my friend that I wanted her to have the “all better dust” because I wanted my happy, crazy, dancy, friend back.

 Reality is, some magic dust won’t fix anything. I told her I would keep searching for the magic dust but for now, she is at the top of my prayer life. After I said that, I realized prayer is it! It’s the magic “all better dust” only it’s even better!! You can always get it and a lot of people can use it. And, even if “all better” doesn’t look exactly how we’d like it to, God is totally making us HIS version of better.

I didn’t have any special dust getting me through the stomach bug of 2010 yet, I am doing great! Still no eating disorder behaviors, I’m out of my bed, back to my life, as if I were a normal 24 year old woman. But, I know that God had His hand on my life- and yet another hurdle in my eating disorder recovery was crossed. And even though it may not be an eating disorder, I believe 100% that my dear friend will be jumping hurdles like crazy- without sparkly, magic, “all better dust”, very soon.

It didn’t take more than a day after writing my last post for what has seemed to feel like the bottom falling out of my recovery. The truth—the bottom hasn’t fallen out, but God has shown me where I’ve been faithless and serving my desires. Even in the midst of amazing growth and maturation, over this last year I’ve had too many slip ups that went ignored and problems with suggestions made on how to do recovery that I never completely addressed. These little things that I kept sweeping under the rug morphed into a rebellion against the healthy things I know I need to be doing.

Paraphrasing Paul in the book of Romans, ”I know the sin I want to do and am in conflict with the good I know I need to do.” I don’t like being in such a conflict. I feel guilt and shame. I feel powerless. And seriously, I don’t want to fight when I’m in this mindset.

So one night I asked one of my recovery leaders to pray with me. We talked first and he asked me if I knew what the opposite action was to take in the face of rebellion. I guessed, but the answer was surrender. (He was right because that was the last thing I wanted to do! Let alone any action that would lead me to surrender.) His reminders were comforting that a) I was no different than any other human being, and b) I’m not too far gone in rebellion because I’m seeking ways out.

Can I just insert here how patient is our God?! How many times have I blogged about relapse and still here is this God that’s ready to finish walking this journey with me!?

God’s timing is so perfect. Not only am I struggling with my recovery, but I also started a Beth Moore Bible study; will be teaching at a recovery meeting this week on relapse; and have been navigating through temptations in codependency. In the first week of this Bible study I have felt God’s determined, aggressive, loving pursuit of me. I’m His treasured one. At this recovery meeting, I get to talk about all the times I’ve relapsed (including this rebellion) and what I’m doing to get out of it. The preparation has motivated and helped me to work my recovery program and honestly work it in a way that I haven’t in a long time. As for this codependency stuff, God has given me a lot of victory in my recovery. The fact that I’m maintaining healthy boundaries is giving me the encouragement to keep fighting this disordered eating fight.

I don’t have the reference handy, but the reason why Abraham’s faith was credited to him as righteousness was because he believed that the God who promised the seemingly impossible was able to make it happen. That translates to me that I don’t have to figure out how to beat disordered eating. I just have to believe that if I follow God’s direction then I can and will be set free.

In His great grace, here I am at surrender…and ready to act on it.
“Lord, I believe! Help me in my disbelief.”

Oh, my mother, She is a fun one. Sheesh. I can’t get it out of my head. That nagging mom voice about me wearing tight pants. I kind of asked for it when I told her I thought her jeans were too big. She then informed me that all of my pants (except the ones I wore today) were too tight.
Insert eye roll. And sigh. And take a deep breath.

Funny, a statement about tight jeans made me evaluate my life and what I realize has shocked me beyond belief! Two years ago (maybe even a year ago), that statement would have crept into my mind and played games – and  I would have spent weeks in a cycle of restricting and purging and trying to figure out how to make my jeans not tight. Today as I look back on the weekend and the events that followed that statement – I am so encouraged, and thankful, and free!

After the tight pants statement, I continued on my day like normal and unfortunately jeans shopping was on the list of tasks! But! I bought new jeans!!! And I LOVE them. I also bought a few shirts and a skirt and I LOVE them. Perhaps even more exciting than finally buying new jeans and loving them – I   have eaten at 3 new restaurants this week. AND I chose what I wanted because I thought it would be yummy! I had tons of friend time while venturing out also. It is amazing to look at my life right now and feel so free.

Despite my struggle with fear, and being safe, and fighting lies in my head…I feel so free from my eating disorder right now and my new attitude is spilling out all over my life. And even though I am struggling with really hard stuff in my life right now, my eating disorder is not winning. And, I have to believe that since God is protecting me so much from those lies, He has to be protecting me from everything else as well.

I came across an amazing quote this week: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; Ask yourself what makes you come alive, then go do that because the world needs people who have come alive.” (by Harold Whitman). Profound words, to say the least. They focus on passion and impact rather than on money or popularity or status. I truly believe that as we find the areas that enliven and excite us we then have less energy and time to give to eating disorder obsessions that get in the way of us being our best self. After all, didn’t God put us here on earth for a bigger purpose than to simply obsess on food and exercise and calories and scales?

I’ve often said that I believe that “Ed” (code for an eating disorder or disordered eating, as you well know by now) preys upon women (and men) who are a threat to “him” and to those who have a significant calling on their lives. It’s uncanny the way that Ed saddles up to the most amazingly gifted, intelligent, and beautiful women who end up hooked into believing his stupid lies about themselves. One of my all time joys as a therapist is to see men and women connect with their authentic selves while growing stronger and clearer until slowly but surely the eating disordered self isn’t needed in the mix anymore.

I don’t know if you’re old enough to remember a 1981 classic called Chariots of Fire but there is a line in that movie that has always stuck with me. The main character Eric Liddell, an Olympic runner, says, “I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.” The beauty of this phrase is that this guy understood that he didn’t have to be a preacher or missionary to fulfill God’s purpose for his life. Instead he gave his energy and passion to running, something he both loved to do and was good at, and in doing so he said he could feel God’s pleasure. I agree that God takes pleasure in seeing us, His kids, pursue the things that make us come alive, those things He created us to do.

What are the things that make me come alive? I’d have to say:

Counseling
Leading Worship
Teaching/Speaking
Loving kids (a.k.a. spoiling them with treats!)
Painting

How about you? What makes you feel alive? I’d love to hear! Celebrate being you today while enjoying who God made you to be!!

I just walked in from a haircut and I have to say, it actually looks good! I say “actually” because if you’ve been following me for any length of time you know that I have a thing about hair. It’s way more important to me than it should be. Now, I’ve gotten used to not worrying about it so much (except when I’m on stage) but being able to have a cool new ‘do is pretty great.

But on to the important business of the day…

In just a few days you will notice a change to our site. After many years of deliberating, we have (finally) decided to incorporate a login feature. Don’t worry – everything you’ve been able to access to this point you will still be able to access for free. But you’ll need to login first.

There are a couple reasons for the change…

1. We know that about 1,000 people come to our site each day (about 360,000 a year), but we have no idea who you are. We don’t know if you’re a teenager, a young adult, a mom, a youth pastor, etc. We can’t determine if you’re coming for yourself or for someone you care about. This makes it hard to know if we’re developing content that will meet your needs. And since resource development is what we’re all about, knowing just some basic general info like age, gender and why you’re here will really go a long way.

2. Along the same lines, the only way we can offer so much for free is by securing sponsors, and sponsors like to know the audience they are reaching.

3. Having a login process in place will enable us to set up our brand new subscription service for the Fb Gathering small group tool (see the “Gatherings” page), which will allow people all over the world to host or join a group in their own area. Pretty cool stuff around here…

So, in just a couple days you’ll see a login box at the top of each page. For those who don’t want to log in, you’ll still be able to access most “written” parts of the site, like articles, info about our organization, etc. But to access “premium” content, such as the blog, videos, and panel questions, you’ll need to log in.

The process is very simple. And very general. We’re not asking a bunch of personal stuff,  (I think you have to fill out 7 fields), and under no circumstances will any of your information (or email addresses) be shared with any third party.

As easy as logging in will be, however, we know that change is often an unpopular concept, and appreciate your understanding that this short extra step will help us do our job better. 

It has been my sincere privilege to serve so many of you through this website, and I look forward to continuing to grow together.

There is a song by Sting where he sings passionately, “You gotta fill her up with Jesus. You gotta fill ‘er up with life!”

This thought came to me recently while I was belting out that tune SO I thought I would share with you!

One of my New Year’s resolutions this year was to put myself on a 90 day spending freeze. Another girlfriend and I are doing it together, which makes it so much easier. After Christmas I was feeling so overwhelmed with the shopping and spending done in December I just wanted to scream…NO More. So I decided to put a stop to it for a while. My spending freeze is for anything extra that I purchase. The only “want” purchases I am allowing myself are if I have sold something on Craig’s List and have the cash in hand.

Not surprisingly I have already learned some valuable lessons. On the days I am home with my kids, I somehow would find a million errands to fill the day up with. “Oh I have to run to Target for this, I need to go here for this!” Run, run, run, I would go!

With not having the option to go anywhere for my so-called “needs” I am left with a lot more time. Which brings me to my point about the Sting song. I have a lot more time to “fill up with Jesus.”

The same is true for an eating disorder or anything else that sneaks it’s way in and consumes us! I don’t think I had a big spending problem, I think I had a habit of doing these “errands” even when I didn’t need something…to fill up my open time. And if you know me, I have a million other things I could be doing!

Life without an eating disorder gives you this space too. All that room in your head that is taken up by eating disorder thoughts…once you are free from them you are left with lots of extra space to fill up!

I love having my mind filled up with everything other than thoughts about body and or eating. And now I am letting go of the space that is filled up with consumerism. I encourage you to think about this. To ask yourself…what takes up space in my mind, in my time, in my life, that could be used to fill up with Jesus? I think the enemy keeps us busy so we don’t have time to be in relationship with Jesus.

This spending freeze has also led me to say this verse often,

Psalm 23:1-2 The Lord is my Shepard I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside quiet waters…

I realize that in the not wanting, and choosing opposite action even if I do want, that God then leads be beside quiet waters and time to lie in the green pasture. (ok…no green pasture here in freezing Minnesota, it is more like sitting on a couch in a Snuggie, but you get what I mean )

And I am learning to slow down myself, to savor the still waters and not be sucked in by consumerism, and fill ‘er up with Jesus!

Won’t you too?

Lee

I am not sure where to begin this blog? Writer’s block? Perhaps. But, really, I think it’s satan having a party with my thoughts and emotions. I learned something first hand this week. I have always been told satan knows exactly how to attack you, but this is the first time I have seen and felt it so clearly.
For me, my thoughts are where it is easiest and quickest to attack. I mean, one thought leads to another and I am soon believing some tangled web of lies that leads me into a negative behavior pattern.
Thankfully, this week it isn’t my eating disorder. But, why is it always something?

Today during worship I tried to close my eyes and just give myself to God, let Him take my thoughts and fears and have my life and just praise Him for protecting me this week. Only, when I closed my eyes I heard lies and saw fears clearer than I had ever before. And during worship.

I am covering myself in truth. Just trying to constantly read and hear truth. I KNOW that God is there, holding me, keeping me safe…and I just hate that satan can sneak in a take me on a whirlwind before I realize how crazy I have become.
Tonight I am hoping to rest in this truth: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30.

 2010…

Wow…what an end to a decade, and boy time sure does fly by. It was 10 years ago I graduated High School, and was starting my adult life. I was a big ball of emotions. I knew that life would be exiting and challenging and it still proves itself to be so.

I look at myself in the mirror now, and I still see me (that in itself is a major victory). I’ve gone through many lessons, some hard, some easy, but they have all made me stronger. Stronger in my life, stronger in my faith, and stronger in my love.

I’m overjoyed that I’m still on this earth, still serving God. I still have friends and family that support, and love me unconditionally. I still have the opportunity to be the person God created me to be. I still have power to change someone’s life for the better.

I’m amazed that 10 years later I still have all the possibilities I started out with, and more opportunities on the way:)