My legs ache.
My shoulders hurt.
And you should see the bruises on my hips!

All from playing soccer. And I love it! Not just like it, but I love it! For 90 minutes I don’t think of anything else except a ball and where it travels.

The thing is, I am not very good at it. I can’t remember to keep my feet down during throw-ins; I trip people a lot, and tend to have a lot of handballs. Last night a girl from the other team scored a goal for us, oops! I was happy it wasn’t me

The funny thing is, I played soccer my entire life from age 5 until about age 20. For me though soccer was social and I loved getting together with a bunch of girls to play and gab. It is still that way, but this time I am paying attention so I can learn the game and I am really enjoying that. Ok, I still really love the gabbing part too.

Last night after I hobbled into my house sweaty and tired, I realized why I enjoy it so much. I play for no reason at all except it is FUN. I am not doing it for money, for work, or for anyone else. I also don’t do it because it is something I am good at. I merely do it because it is fun.

How much of what we do is for the sake of FUN? When I was deep in my eating disorder, nothing was fun. Everything was planned and a slight alteration to that plan would send me spinning. Eating wasn’t fun. Exercise wasn’t fun. Social things began to not be fun. Everything had an “end goal.” Anytime I would do something without an end goal I would feel guilty that I wasn’t working hard enough. What a horrible cycle to be in!

But now, as I am living a life of recovery I still find new treasures along the journey. This has been one of them, making time in my life to do something that I enjoy, that is new and different, and that is so stinkin FUN!

Put away your to-do lists, your goals, your worry, and your anxiety. And get out there and go do something fun! You will be amazed at how it also will help you in your everyday life! What is it? You know…so now go out and try it! Not because you are good at it, or because it will move you forward in your goals, but just because it is FUN!

Lee

Scene 1: Asking for directions.

Nothing against Rite Aid but this past weekend I walked into my local neighborhood store and asked the pharmacist whether they had ice packs (two of my clients lately needed one so I figured it was time to invest). Her response: “They’d be on Aisle 5C, if we have them.” I felt like she was being dismissive but I chose to not let it bother me (or so I thought). When I walked over to Aisle 5C there were lots of them. I wondered how she could know so little about her inventory when the store was so small in the first place. Oh well.

Scene 2: The check out line.

After I had a number of items in my basket (like fun soap crayons for my nephews that make taking a bath much more fun), I proceeded to the check out line. The checker guy never looked at me, never made eye contact, never greeted me, and proceeded to ignore me as his boss came around him, opened his till, quietly counted the money and seemed in no hurry to do so. Neither gentleman looked at me, acknowledged me, talked to me, or seemed to notice that I was the only one in line and this could have been done later. Nothing. I got nothing from either of them.

Scene 3: The dialogue in my head.

“I can’t believe they act like I’m not even here. I feel invisible right now. I  know invisible isn’t a feeling but that’s how I feel….

“Don’t let this bother me. Be a representative for Christ. Maybe they know me from church. I wouldn’t want to throw a fit and not respond like Jesus would.

“How on earth can they keep doing this to me? This is rude, plain and simple.
There is no one else in the line. They could have waited. Are you kidding me right now?

“Don’t get mad. This would be such growth if I could respond right.

“This is NOT okay. By standing here I am reinforcing that it’s okay to treat me like I’m not even here and that I don’t matter. I am moving, even if just to make a statement to myself.”

I so badly wanted to be passive aggressive and “loudly” put my things back in my basket while huffing and puffing over to the only other checker. But instead I calmly put my things back in the basket and removed myself from the “rude mans line.”

As you might expect, neither guy even looked up nor seemed to notice that I moved or might have been offended.

Why do I share all this with you?

Because I want to say that I think probably the worst feeling in the whole world is that of feeling unacknowledged (is that even a word?). It’s horrid to be made to feel unimportant, invisible, unworthy of so much as a glance.

I really didn’t want these guys to bother me….but they did.

I had to ask myself why I let this seemingly insignificant interaction get under my skin. The thing that came to me is that in that moment they communicated that I wasn’t worthy of being acknowledged or noticed, that I was invisible. I even thought of Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote later where she said that “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I truly wanted to make Eleanor proud but this one really bothered me. It just didn’t sit right. Their actions (or non-actions really) were dismissive and essentially seemed to passively yet boldly scream, “We can’t see you….you don’t matter!”

In my quiet time yesterday I went to the Word because I wanted to read verses from the Lord that were the exact opposite of the response I’d gotten from the two bozo’s who work at the Rite Aid in my neighborhood. Here is what I read:

“His banner over me is love” and “His left arm is under my head and His right arm embraces me.” (Song of Solomon 2:4,6)

“The Lord is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

“I have loved you with a forever love.” (Jeremiah 31:3)

These verses underscore to me that God never dismisses me or makes me feel invisible. In fact, it’s the exact opposite: I am the center of His attention (and of course this applies to you too!). I am the apple of His eye. I am the focus of His love. I am acknowledged, noticed, loved, adored, valued, treasured.”

Ahhh. That is a breath of fresh air to me.

Jesus, I’m extra grateful to you right now for the fact that I am visible to you. Thank you for noticing me as well as all my beautiful friends who read this today.

I’ve just posted a new video for this week’s FINDINGbalance Gathering entitled “Toxic Shame.” This is a personal one for me. 

A few months ago God started revealing to me that shame is a huge issue in my life. It beganwith a conversation I had with Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries) while prepping for HFH. I share about that conversation in this week’s video but the Cliff’s Notes version is that John – who has never met me before - knew enough after 15 minutes of conversation to suggest that shame might be an issue for me. And this was a business call!

Since then, I’ve been spending some time exploring what this not-so-lovely word has meant in my life. It’s been scary, and fascinating. More than anything, it’s been freeing.

I think most of us would like to swap the word “insecurity” for “shame,” because insecurity seems like a problem we can solve, simply by getting (or becoming) something we don’t yet have access to. After all, isn’t that the premise that every single advertising message is founded on? But if insecurity is the absence of something, shame is the opposite: It’s a dark, thick presence weighing down on us, cloaking our true selves from those around us and coloring the way we view everything and everyone.

Try as we might, we’re not capable of removing this shame ourselves. It’s not something we can buy (or achieve) our way out of. Freedom requires healthy relationship, to mirror to us the truth about who we really are, and to give us grace and love we can scarcely believe is available to us.

It is with tears of frustration and disbelief that I am learning these things. But it is also with great hope. Understanding how shame works is helping me not only to understand my own behavior, but to better understand why people sometimes respond to me the way they do. I’ve spent a lifetime working really hard to try and make people respond to me in a positive way. I’m learning now that it’s not always my fault if they don’t. And I’m learning to be OK with the loneliness of that, while also daring to fill myself up with love from those who are so graciously offering it to me.

You’ll get a taste of this journey in this week’s session. After Margot’s series concludes at the end of August, I’ll probably do another segment on it too. It’s a work in progress – I’m a work in progress. I hope you’ll join me on the journey.

Quick links for viewing this session… Facilitator Central  |  Host a Group  |  Find a Group  |  Watch Online

~ MARGOT STARBUCK LAUNCHES NEXT WEEK! ~

Next Monday begins our “Unsqueezed” series with our friend Margot Starbuck. We think she’s pretty cool, but don’t just take our word for it. Here’s a little blurb from Elaina Whittenhall, who appears in the pic below from this year’s Hungry for Hope…

“There aren’t enough superlatives to describe Margot. She’s absolutely hilarious and super funky. Who else could pull off orange tie-dye, army fatigues and painted combat boots in one outfit? But besides that, what I love most about Margot is her raw authenticity. She doesn’t shy away from telling totally embarrassing tales about herself in an effort to help us recognize ourselves in her stories and admit our own brokenness. I get the sense that if Margot can come clean, I can be the real me too. And instead of just gawking at my physical reflection in the mirror, Margot encourages me to see my reflection – and God’s – in others by loving and serving them with my embodied self. With the sensitive heart of a wise theologian, Margot points the way forward toward a loving God who created us to be more (but never less) than our wonderful bodies.”  – Elaina

Catch Margot’s teachings throughout the month of August here. For listings of other FINDINGbalance groups, see our “Find a Group” page

“And I thank God for blessing me well beyond what I could have thought and reminding me of how great life can be when you let yourself give in to His love”.

I have been staring at those words for almost an hour. I have never seen that quote before. And I don’t know where it came from. I am staring at the quote, in tiny letters. So small I might have missed it. And yet, it could sum up my life entirely. I find these words on a vase. A vase that a dear friend made for my birthday. As I look at this vase there are many things that describe me. Words, phrases, pictures… my dream wedding castle, and pointe shoes, and “OMG”, and GAP chapstick, and lyrics. 

Do you want to know something that isn’t on this vase? There is nothing on this vase that says “Aubrey has an eating disorder.”

The things filling this vase are silly, serious, fun, and each object alone might mean nothing to a random person – but if you put all of the things together they describe me. And I think for the first time in my life, as I turn 25, I believe that I am more than my eating disorder. I really believe there is more to me and each day that passes something new comes spilling out. And on this day, I am content. I am able to rest in knowing that I am blessed, that I deserve life, that I am loved, that I am beautiful. Today, I have given in to His love – and I am absolutely reminded of how great life can be.

Weekends like this. Celebrating life, celebrating friendships, letting myself be loved – these weekends remind me of how important it is to fight. To fight with all of my strength even when I am tired – to fight the lies, the mirror, to not let my eating disorder be in control. Because with my life free of all of that, it is filled with joy, love, and moments where I can sit quietly and stare at something beautiful, something real. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I asked my sister Karen (who works with me here at Fb) to pick from the archives for this week’s FINDINGbalance Gathering, and she selected “Approval Junkies.” I’m glad she did, ’cause if there’s one thing that pretty much everyone I meet seems to relate to (and I’m talking men as well as women on this one), it’s the struggle with hungering so deeply for the approval of others that we sometimes lose touch with who we really are.

I originally filmed this session last fall, but have continued exploring the subject in my own life since then. In fact, next week I’m going to open up in a brand new session about an even deeper layer I’ve discovered these past few months as God has used some interesting situations (and people) to reveal to me what lies beneath my need for approval.

So watch Approval Junkies this week and get ready to go even deeper next week as I build on that foundation. And yes, I realize I’m wearing the same sweater. Wish I didn’t care that you’d notice, but there it is… :)

Facilitator Central  |  Host a Group  |  Find a Group  |  Watch Online

~ GET “UNSQUEEZED” WITH MARGOT STARBUCK IN AUGUST! ~

Remember our good friend Margot Starbuck, the cool chick who held my microphone for me at Hungry for Hope and saved the day? Well, I’m SO very pleased to report that we’ll have a month of Gatherings with her in August. That’s right, five weeks with the fabulous Lady GoGo (yes, you heard me right) talking about everything from nose jobs to stilettos to faith to freedom. You’re gonna love her.

Here’s just a little taste…

For listings of other FINDINGbalance groups, see our “Find a Group” page.

As it stands now, my leave of absence from work begins 7-19-10 and will last from 30 to 60 days. Sure, there are expectations and worries, fears, questions, and everything in between. But this morning I truly have peace.

My aunt died unexpectedly a few days ago. And this was on top of a potentially ill pet, a broken air conditioner, and tons of sick people at work. I went out on the back patio this morning and threw on my iPod shuffle–it’s bright pink and I love it! I swung in the morning sunlight and sobbed. This was the first in several months that I’ve taken so much time to just sit at Jesus’ feet and pour my heart out. I watched a caterpillar eat an entire weed…it was impressive! I watched birds, felt the breeze, and soaked in the touch of my Savior through the warmth of the Sun.

It wasn’t long until He began to “speak.” And really, for me, God “speaking” is more like thoughts that come to mind that make me cry even more. Deep down I know that these thoughts (that I credit to God) are true, the Scriptures confirm it. First it was a passage from Psalms, with a personal gentle touch, “Amber, be still. I’m here. I got your back.” And then He went on to say, “I have these things taken care of (i.e.-the comfort for my cousins and family, protection for my friends who are facing spiritual battles, money for treatment, getting paperwork caught up, and people I fear are angry with me). Aw, darling, you are so special to me…I love you! You have been so faithful. I see you. I hear you. Fall into my arms and let [the tears] out. I’m holding you. I got you. Rest your head on my shoulder and let me hold you.” (What is it with women and the embrace of a man? Seriously!) Whew, that mental picture of Jesus holding me gets me every time. 

The peace I have this morning isn’t in the absence of more tears, exhaustion or a half functioning brain. Rather, I know a lot of hardships have been thrown at me in a short amount of time. I’m in survival autopilot mode. I’m at a place of brokenness and surrender. My strength is truly gone and I can’t comfort my family, support my friends, or get my work done out of my own strength. I took my concerns to God, and the anxiety of “what if” and the racing thoughts of the details I may be forgetting are gone. The quietness inside my head is refreshing! I take deep breaths and rest in that I just have to physically function and God will take care of the rest. After all, from the beginning it’s been His job to make ends meet, bring comfort and protection…He does those things far better than me on a good day. And, yes, sometimes He does those things thru me. I just know that the Bible doesn’t say, “Amber’s strength is sufficient for her and everyone she wants to feel loved and cared about.”

Really, I don’t mind being depleted and surrendered. I have more peace and reassurance now than in the last 3 months. I’m ready for the next phase of recovery. I’m certainly far more teachable and correctable now than 6 months ago. Go figure, right? Oh, and no worries, I have a feeling I’ll be in touch soon.

Here’s to hope!!

luv, -ber

Lately I have been terribly saddened by the fears that consume and encompass so many. (I work at an Eating Disorder treatment center.) As I look around and look inward I see that what tends to spur and eventually paralyze many of our behaviors (self included) is FEAR!

Fear of tomorrow.
Fear of yesterday.
Fear of today.

So, one night while so saddened by this realization, I thought, what if we made a challenge. A challenge for 30 days to really work on facing those fears! And, then I thought about the people who I wanted to do it, and how I could encourage them to start the challenge. Of course, wouldn’t it be easier if I told someone else to do it? So I decided I would open the door and face my OWN fears.

Maybe it will be silly?
Maybe it will be fun?
Maybe it will be life changing?

To begin this 30 days of fear facing I decided to face one of my biggest fears.

Needles.

I walked boldly into a tattoo parlor ready to “ink up.” And then my stomach fell down to my toes and my armpits began to excrete buckets full of perspiration!

I have no idea why I am afraid of needles. No idea why my head begins to wobble and my knees begin to tremble. But it happened.

And I wanted to run. But…I didn’t. I sat in a chair, waiting for the large attendant with too many tattoos to take me “to the man.”

I felt like I was going to see THE WIZARD from Wizard of Oz. Once the time finally ticked away, I was led into the “parlor.” Oz wasn’t a large booming God-like figure, but a short little geeky looking guy. He did the usual preparations…wait…what is usual? I have never done this before!

Upon this realization (and fear) I started talking, a nervous habit of mine that happens in these sorts of situations. Talking without breathing, without pauses, you know this type of chattering…right? And he looked up at me, yes looked up, because he wasn’t very large, and said, “Would you stop worrying, stop talking, you are making this harder than it needs to be!”

Ok fine.

I’ll skip to the good part. It hurt. It hurt in an unexplainable way. And I looked down at his tattooed arm and thought, “who would do that all over their body!”

And then I remembered that I was doing that! My head was spinning and my toes were sweating and I even think I might have peed my pants! I bit my cheek, sang the ABC’s and even pretended I was on a beach somewhere. Nothing took away the pain.

But, I kept thinking…you can do this. You can do this. Do something every day that scares you. Do not be afraid.

And before I knew it, the permanent stain was done!

I did it. I wanted to scream and yell and tell the world! Sure for some it isn’t that big of deal. But for me, it was a HUGE deal! I faced that fear right in the face! Whooohooo! I was ecstatic, well ecstatic once I changed my wet pants and sweat-stained shirt. I know, not everyone agrees with the tattoo thing, and I am the last person you would ever imagine with a tattoo, but it was something I really felt challenged to do.

Day one was big and exciting. But we don’t go and get tattoos or jump out of planes every day (I want to jump out of a plane too). What I have found is that once I had my antennas up about looking for things that scared me, I found they were everywhere. Not in tattoo parlors or planes, but in relationships. The things that scare me are things like not being liked, not saying the right thing, having to confront someone and being hurt. On the surface I don’t notice these things but I have found on this journey that these fears control so much of my everyday life without me knowing it! When I begin to think about my time with my eating disorder I can reason that most of the behaviors were rooted in fear. Now without my eating disorder, the fears aren’t the same, but new ones bubble up and show their faces because the eating disorder isn’t there to mask them.

I guess what I am trying to say here in this very long blog is why are we so captured by fear? Isn’t that the enemy’s perfect weapon? Make us so afraid of things like food, or weight gain, so we don’t have to face the real fears like being hurt or being abandoned. Yet, we have a God bigger than all that and if we put our trust in Him we actually can face our fears!

What I had tattooed was this verse (just the part Jer. 29:11 not the whole verse)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

If I put my trust in that, why be afraid?

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and also trust in me…I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.” John 14:1

I encourage you to join me in this challenge. I am on day 16 of my 30 day challenge. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” and then ask God to help you face those fears. Let him set you free from the chains of fear that hold you back. And, if you do face some of those fears I would love to hear what they are and what the result was!!

“Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” Luke 12:32

Come face those fears with me and tell me how it goes!

Last week I had the privilege of speaking to 90 Jr. High girls at camp on the topic of identity. I so enjoy this age as there is such evident insecurity and awkwardness masked with giggles and smiles. Their little bodies are in such stages of flux, with some of them looking like 4th graders while others look like juniors in high school, such diversity. I truly think we all want to fit in and be liked and accepted just like we did back then but we’ve just gotten a little better at covering up our insecurities the older we get.

As I was preparing to speak to these girls, the word “identity” popped off the page in a way I had never seen it:  I dent it.

Translation: The more I know who I am, the more I will dent or kick or reject anyone or anything that makes me feel like an “it.”

The subsequent obvious question I asked the girls then was: What makes you feel like an “it?”

Their answers were a bit more surface than I had hoped for, so I led them to some more vulnerable possibilities. The first thing I mentioned was cutting. When there is disconnect from one’s body it can become easy to cut into it and in that moment not care what it feels. That is one version of treating oneself as like an “it.”

The second thing I mentioned was an eating disorder because just like cutting, it oftentimes is a way to disconnect from emotions and one’s body in an attempt to dissociate from it as if it didn’t matter. That is another way to feel like an “it.”

Finally I mentioned abuse. When someone has been abused in any way, sexual-physical-verbal-emotional, it can be very easy not only to feel objectified outwardly but inwardly there is also a sense of being an “it,” a nothing, a nobody. Oftentimes women even leave their bodies in times like this as a way to cope with the intensity of the offense. This is where someone else makes us feel like an “it.”

So now let’s go back to the definition of identity that I wrote above: The more I know who I am, the more I will dent anything that makes me feel like an “it.” The truth is that the only way I can know who I am is to look in the face of my Creator and ask how He really sees me. I know my view of myself is distorted and I need an outside perspective from the only One who truly knows the truth about me.

Jesus says that we are worthy because He deems us worthy. He says that we are loved because He loved us not because of anything we have done but because He decided to pursue us. He says that we are heirs to His throne, which makes us all royalty, princesses!

So no matter how you feel about yourself today, whether you are having a good body image day or a bad one, the truth of the matter is that your identity is rock solid in the person of Jesus Christ because He dented the enemy on the cross and no weapon (no “it”) that stands against you will prosper.

Your identity is secure and strong as a daughter of the Most High God. Kick up your heels and dent the enemy with that one!

Working at a non-profit, especially one that you’re responsible (in many ways) for keeping afloat, can be challenging. But it’s not without its rewards.

One of those is that I have the opportunity to network and build relationships with some people who are excellent at what they do. All the faces you see on the website – EVERY SINGLE VIDEO – features someone I’ve personally spent time with and have the utmost respect for.

One of these special people who, until now, has only been “seen” by those here in the Nashville area, is Eileen Stellefson-Myers, an evidence-based nutritionist who has supported Fb many times over the past few years, mostly in the form of sharing her great insight and wisdom at The Gatherings we used to host at our Franklin office.

In this week’s Fb Gathering session, “Appetite Control”, Eileen explains the link between dieting and bingeing. She helps us understand the “blood sugar curve” and shares some emerging science about the hormone Ghrelin and its role on appetite. This week is all about giving you some truth to help you find steadier footing in your relationship with food.

Watch This Session  |  Host a Group  |  Find a Group 

~ SPoTLiGHT ~

This is the place we share faces and stories with you so you can get a feel for what’s happening out there in FINDINGbalance Gatherings and our Finding Balance with Food groups.

This week we talk with Joy Lere, who is the first to host an FbWF group in the UK, not to mention our first military group! Here is what she had to say about the experience…

Being part of the Finding Balance journey has been a beautiful journey for me. I feel privileged that the Lord led my steps to this ministry and that he laid it on my heart to begin a group in my “community,”  which is a unique one: American military families living far from family and far from the comfort of all things familiar as they make their temporary homes in a foreign country. I was able to partner with Protestant Women of the Chapel (PWOC is a military ministry that reaches out to women on military bases around the world) to offer a FB group at RAF Mildenhall in England. Here’s a shot from the base…

I shouldn’t have been surprised that Satan planted plenty of seeds of doubt in my head. However, he didn’t have much of a leg to stand on as I work as a program therapist at an eating disorder unit in England and have a testimony full of “food history” myself. There really wasn’t any reason that I shouldn’t faucilitate the group, but sure enough the “Stealer” tried to create doubt and posed many (im)plausible reasons why I couldn’t/shouldn’t proceed with the group. While food issues are what I work with every day, part of me was a bit nervous about the cultural shift it would be for me to work with a group of Americans when I’ve gotten used to a European client dynamic for the last three years.

I’m so grateful for Constance’s obedience and faithfulness to HER call. There is such a serious need for women to have a time, place and space to stop and really do some self seeking when it comes to their warped relationships with food. It is a battle that so many have and too many feel the need to stay silent about.

The truth is, we aren’t looking at a society of women with some “silly food issues” – we are living among millions of women who are battling for their lives but told that having these struggles is “normal” and simply part of being female in this day in age. With Finding Balance, food issues no longer just have to be swallowed. They can be put on the table, talked about, cried through and processed in a way that leads to peace and freedom.

- loveJOYpeace

If you want your story posted here, let us know by sending an email to groups@findingbalance.com. For listings of other FINDINGbalance groups, see our “Find a Group” page.

Folly Beach. It is the most beautiful beach I have ever experienced. Perhaps it was because of what I learned more than what I saw. I was walking with Britt, Sandra, and Courtney, and we were headed to the pier where I was on the hunt for shells. They were everywhere and it was perfect!

Next week I start our last summer school session and the theme is oceans! I wanted to collect a lot of different shells for a 5 senses lesson. We had been walking and I was trailing behind, stopping to search for unique shells. I found some tiny circle ones that were iridescent and looked like jewelry, I found some that were sharp, some that were heavy. Then I stepped on a shell and I looked down to see if it was one I should collect but it was broken and boring white, and dull. When I turned around to see if there was another shell that was worth taking home I tripped again. Frustrated because the same broken shell tripped me up again, I picked it up prepared to toss it to sea, but what I found took my breath away. See, I only looked at the shell the first time, I only saw the side facing me and I never picked it up or touched it. But when I went to throw this broken piece of shell, I got a glimpse of the other side. It was beautiful! It was a brilliant shade of purple, had a beautiful shimmer, was so smooth. This shell was full of beauty and grace and stories and I almost threw it away because at first glance it was ugly boring and dull.

I collected the shell and took a deep breath. And I thought for a moment about how I am much like that shell. I feel boring and ugly and dull and trampled on and I was about to be thrown out but Jesus saved me. He offered an incomprehensible grace and love that turned my broken ugly sharp shell into something beautiful smooth and whole.

I looked at that shell before I got in bed a few moments ago. I am thankful for the lesson I got from Folly Beach. God has created me for something bigger than I could ever imagine. And He has placed people in my life who do see my brokenness but who also see my beauty and who love me despite myself. I am worth life because He created me. In His perfect image and no matter how ugly, broken, trampled on I am… He is forever making me beautiful. I am so thankful.