It may seem funny for me to be writing about something in the Bible that we look at mostly during Christmas time, but since I see that this applies to eating disorders I figured I’d bring it up now. One of my very favorite things of all is when God shows me something in the Bible that I’ve never seen before. Here’s something I saw through a new lens that added fresh flavor to an old story.

Let’s go back to what we traditionally refer to as “The Christmas Story.” In Matthew 1:18 we read that Mary, Jesus’ mother “was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit.” We’ve all read or heard these words since we were little kids and I realize that it can easily become less than impacting just because we’ve heard it so many times, year after year.

Yet the part that struck me anew is that this shows me that God, the Holy Spirit is not afraid to enter into our stuff, body and all. He intersected with Mary’s life in a very personal way so much so that it impacted her body completely. I think it’s amazing that God is willing to invade our bodies in order to accomplish a miracle. He’s the same miracle-working God today as He was 2000 years ago and He is still able to do miracles in our bodies as a result of intersecting with us in the way we need Him to.

The Holy Spirit brought a miracle to Mary in her body. This is exactly where women need to experience a miracle because of all the hurt and shame we carry. We need a supernatural touch in our physical bodies in order to experience healing, and this beautiful story reminds me that God is willing to touch down and meet us in real ways in our bodies.

Mary was willing for her body to be used for God’s purposes. I wonder if I would be as willing as she was to surrender my body such that it would mess up my life plans in order to be a vessel for His glory. I’m honestly not so sure I’d be on board with the assignment if I was given the choice.

Yet every time we choose to come under God’s authority in the way we treat our body, whether with food or with sex or with exercise, we are giving God glory through our physical being like Mary did. I truly believe that this is as much of a gift to God as Mary gave. God, today I give you my body again and surrender myself to you anew.

Once upon a time there was a young energetic girl named Lee. She met a handsome man named Chris.

They fell in love.

Madly in love.

Lee called Chris her “True Companion”.

But, there was a problem; Lee was also struggling with an eating disorder. It made their relationship very complicated, having three where there is supposed to be two.

Chris wondered if Ed (the eating disorder) would always be a struggle in Lee’s life, if Lee could ever live the full life God had for her? Chris also became very confused as how to help Lee.

He wanted to fix her, because he loved her.

But, he couldn’t fix her. It had to come from her. So he prayed, and despite his fears, he continued to love her.

And Lee did end her relationship with Ed. And Lee began to grow to be the woman God intended her to be. Chris learned how to support and encourage Lee. Then they married.

And now fourteen years, and three kids later, Lee and Chris are sharing their story. Sharing the hope that people do and can, with God’s help, recover from an eating disorder. Sharing their mistakes and joy’s along the journey together.

Chris and Lee will be sharing their story at the Hungry for Hope Conference! Come hear from Chris the mistakes he made, what he wished he had known, and what worked in supporting the woman he loved. And hear from Lee, what her recovery journey looked like, what life is like now while she works daily in a treatment center for those struggling with an eating disorder. One thing is for sure, you will leave their session educated, inspired, and encouraged!

I hope you will join us in Colorado Springs for this wonderful Hungry for Hope Conference!

Lee…and Chris

I wasn’t sure I was going to blog this week and then I realized the very reason I didn’t want to blog, caused the chaos in my head the last week or so! So, here I go. An attempt to share my life and be okay with not being perfect.

I feel like on this blog I have painted this picture of myself as a girl who is really strong in her faith, well into recovery from my eating disorder, and loving life now. And all of those things are very true. But, I must admit I am coming out of a weekend of complete isolation. A weekend where I ignored relationships, buried myself in work, and entertained thoughts of my eating disorder (no behaviors thank goodness!). I spent 2 days in my house sleeping. And each time I woke up I felt the same sadness, loneliness, and emptiness so I would just go back to sleep.

I got stuck last week. I got stuck because I didn’t feel in control. People are coming to evaluate my classroom and suddenly I am in freakout mode! All of the things I am not great at were magnified and I became obsessed with fixing them, according to some dumb book. My friends were doing various things and I felt alone, not good enough to “bother” them. And I felt ugly. Of course, because as soon as I am out of control it is easy to blame my body. Those old tapes start playing in my head, whispering that I am fat, ugly, worthless.

I think I am still learning a lesson in perfectionism. It will get me stuck every single time. I can’t be everything for everyone. I can’t be super Aubrey. I can’t fix my classroom AND other classrooms, I can’t be the encourager all of the time, I can’t be the best babysitter for every single person, I can’t be the prettiest, or the smartest. I just can’t. And if I am constantly pouring myself into being the greatest (instead of who God has called me to be) just to feel accepted- I will always be empty. Lonely. Sad.

I am thankful for my sweet friends right now who are loving me enough to slowly help me out of the ick. This week will pass. And it’s just a week. In the grand scheme of life I will not be defined by my score in my classroom, the size of my jeans, the number of friends I have, or how perfect (or imperfect) I am at life. Pride ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, comes before a fall.

 “Check yourself before you wreck your test”. A phrase I will NEVER forget. My algebra/precal teacher in high school said it over and over and over again. I was always a bad “checker”. And as a result I always tested horribly. Funny, I heard his voice and that phrase in my head today and related it to my life coming out of my eating disorder.

Ick. I felt REALLY ugly today. Like, so much so, that I had a few fleeting (thank goodness) desires to use eating disorder behaviors. Thank goodness they have just been passing thoughts. But, why? I think it’s a hint for me to check my life right now. Are my priorities in check? Is my relationship with God in the forefront of my life? Am I taking care of myself? Or, am I relying on people to affirm me, am I too busy in an effort to avoid hard things?

It’s funny how great I am doing and at the same time how quickly I can slide into old habits that might trigger an eating disorder thought. And, I have to wonder if this is what my life forever and ever the end, will look like? A constant “check myself” before I “wreck myself” pattern. Maybe I should try to practice the whole “check yourself before you wreck your test” concept, daily. If each day I REALLY try to stay balanced…and I focus on how God wants to use me, and I am held accountable- there will be less chance of me “all of a sudden” waking up feeling painfully ugly. And, less chances of my life becoming so cluttered I forget about the truths that I know.

I grew up in the era where Sunday night “Wonderful World of Disney” TV specials were the norm. I remember loving the beginning of each show where Tinkerbell, with her magic wand in hand, would fly around the castle and with a touch of that wand make the castle sparkle and glisten. Through the power of suggestion (I’m sure Mr. Disney understood the lure of his magical kingdom to all children who watched his shows), this place was calling out to me to come see it in person. And even though it was a cartoon, I felt the tug to experience and see the real Disneyland and the real Disney castle and the real Disney Tinkerbell.

My first trip to Disneyland wasn’t until the age of 25. Yet even as a young adult, I felt like a little kid when I entered the Magic Kingdom that first time. I remember reading the sign that said I was leaving behind one world and now entering the happiest place on earth. I couldn’t believe that I was actually there in person!

I would say for the most part that the feel of the place and the beauty of it all enraptured me. But…(and this is a big “but”) there was one thing that caught me off guard: Cinderella’s castle. I remember standing in front of it in awe of how big and white and beautiful and magnificent it was. From the front it matched the image my mind had created from the pictures and I was mesmerized by it. But then I walked up the bridge and through it’s overpass, only to discover that there was nothing more than a face to essentially a fake building. I had no idea that it was merely a façade.

This may sound a little melodramatic, but I guess I would say that I felt a bit duped. Why had no one ever told me that what they presented the castle to be wasn’t the real deal? I wanted there to be more. But the truth was that it was a fake version of something that never existed.

What a reminder this is to me to be whole and congruent, where what I present to myself and the world is real and authentic, where the outside of me matches the inside. I want to live out my faith for Jesus because He is the core of my identity. I want His inside truth to align with what I present outwardly. But even further, I want to also be able to be real about the struggles and hurts that come up so that there is congruence between those hard things and what I present. And of course I have to choose wisely with whom I share the deepest part of me, but the key is that I have places where I open up at that level. It won’t always be pretty but at least it will be honest and real.

I heard Rob Bell speak on Sunday night. He asked those of us who have been touched by cancer, whether personally or with someone we love, to stand up. He had us look around at others who were standing and said that in that moment the molecules in the room literally changed. In a period of two minutes or so we went from feeling like strangers to feeling like there was a bond, a connection, between us. In other words, those of us who chose to be honest about our struggles in a courageous and transparent way were actually being drawn to each other, all the while seeing that we weren’t alone.

It’s amazing what happens when the masks come off and we transparently reveal our true selves. That’s where we connect with people in a unique way and are reminded that we’re not alone in the struggle. In order to do that though, we have to expose what’s under the façade and take the risk to reveal ourselves. Cinderella’s castle now reminds me that I want the outside of my “castle” to match what I present to the world, imperfections and all.

What is body prejudice? I define it as looking at someone’s body and assuming you know exactly what their story is. In our culture it comes out as, “Thin – she has it all together.” Or “Overweight – they must struggle with eating or over-eat.”

We get it from media.
We get it from family.
We get it from friends.

We even get it from strangers, or we give it to strangers, “Oh you look so thin how do you do it?”

As if “doing it” is something to do.

Or we read an article that talks about an overweight woman who is comfortable with her body the way it is, as if this is newsworthy!

All of these messages become ideas and they become ingrained in our brain.

And I hate it. It makes me very sad. And I think it makes God sad.

Ok, so I don’t know how it makes God feel really, but if I look at Jesus and what he was about, and I believe the scriptures are God-breathed then I deduct…it makes God sad.

And it makes me sad too; I don’t see why we can’t stop doing it!

Why do we think it is ok to comment on others body size? No matter what size they are.

I really don’t want to reveal this so nakedly here in print because it is hard to articulate accurately, but in order to explain where I am coming from I feel like I need to say it. I can only anticipate it is God leading me to share this with you in hopes that you will find it helpful. I desire that it will give you all a little more compassion and self-control before commenting on weight and body type.

Most people who hear me speak; hear my story of being a late bloomer. (Funny now that my last name is Blum) Internally, this lack of growing like my peers caused me a great deal of anxiety. When others looked like teenagers, I looked like a child. “God,” I would pray, please give me long hair. God please give me boobs. God please help me grow!” People gave me nicknames that included “little…pee wee…. and other definitions of small.” (Yes, I will admit it sometimes is nice now as I reach 40, and I don’t look as old…but it has taken many many years).

My mind interpreted these words as “invisible…unnoticeable…immature.” I took all of those comments as insults and longed to be a “real-looking-teenager.” My love affair with my eating disorder became not a quest to be smaller, but an overall feeling of “I don’t matter…I don’t take up space…why eat?” It was fueled by feelings of being less than combined with an overwhelming set of emotions that I couldn’t get a grip on…so I wanted to numb out. And, that led me deep into my relationship with Ed. For me, it really didn’t have much to do with wanting a certain body type or wanting to be thinner. Ed fed my skewed ideas that I didn’t deserve to eat or have a voice.

God had a different plan. God “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb.” (Psalm 139:13)

And I know that, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Thank God we have a God who knows better!

These last 14 years of recovery have brought me healing and passion and a sense of myself like I had never had before. I have also learned to be very comfortable in the body God gave me. The body God intended for me to live in. It is a journey for all of us and I believe it takes work!

How do we know what that body is? Well, when you are eating in moderation (intuitive eating …eating when hungry…stopping when full) and exercising in moderation the body finds its set point. The place where it WANTS to be. Usually it will stay within a consistent range.

God made the body intelligent.

It really knows what it wants to do. Which brings me to my point. If God made all different types of bodies, large, small, round and thin. Then do you think God prefers one to the other?

No.

Why in our society do we continue to hold up these images as if they are the ideal? When the reality is there are millions of different types and shapes and “molds.” And finally this leads me to my real point…

Why then do we comment on each other’s bodies? Why do we have Body Prejudice? Don’t we have other things to talk about? And, as you see from my own story that when someone comments on my size…even if they meant it as a compliment, my old self takes offense to it. Then my recovered self gently and lovingly reminds myself of the truth and then shares openly with that person that I don’t think it is appropriate to make comments about my body.

You are really walking in a danger field by doing so.

So just don’t do it! You wouldn’t walk up to a larger person and say, “you are so large…how do you do it?” Then don’t walk up to a smaller person and say, “you are so small…how do you do it.”

God makes people of all sizes! Now the disclaimer here is that when someone is unnaturally due to an eating disorder or someone is obese due to a binge eating disorder, then help is needed. But, even then it isn’t appropriate to comment on someone’s size.

So what can you do instead? How about looking at their eyes! I do this and I am always so amazed at the amazing beautiful fantastic eyes I see on a daily basis. And eyes don’t have ANYTHING to do with size. Say to someone, “Your eyes look so pretty in that sweater.” Or “your eyes look so bright today, looks like you are having a great day!”

Try doing this, and the more you do it the less you will be looking at body types, maybe you will stop comparing, and then you might even learn to appreciate and say a thanks to God for creating ALL shapes and sizes! And if people do comment on your body, remind them to be more sensitive!

EVERY size has a voice, large and small. We could do better in this country and in the media for teaching people to appreciate and love all sizes…but moreover learning to value other things like bright eyes or beautiful smiles!

God does, maybe we all could too and stop the Body Prejudice!
Hope this helps!

Lee

Something I have learned about Jesus; He will accept you just where you are AND He won’t leave you where He found you. The End. Okay, not the end. Something I have to do almost every day is refocus my life. In recovery from my eating disorder I tried many things and failed many times. There was always something I could say “triggered” me and it was okay then, to get back into a cycle.

And, one day I woke up. I realized that enough was enough. I couldn’t keep doing the same things because, “if you always do, what you’ve always done, you always get, what you always got”.

This is where Jesus comes in. Countless times He has obviously rescued me. He has made His presence known in my life, and I want my life to reflect His love for me. So, I had to refocus. I have to refocus. Every single day. If I wake up and my first thought is ugh, how can I get dressed my body is so…(fill in the blank)- I have to stop. Today is a gift, and how can I best use the talents God has given me to encourage and love someone today.

See, Jesus meets us where we are but, we have to refocus. We HAVE to do our part. I cannot focus on my body, my weight, food, and expect greatness in my life. Because, greatness comes from things of God (every good and perfect gift is from the father of lights James 1:17). I really encourage you to refocus this week. I need to challenge myself to do the same. To meditate on scripture. Things that are good, and right, and true. Because those are the things that keep my eating disorder away. Those are the things that bring me joy, and life, and happiness.

If at some point I ever write a book about my recovery experience, I think I’d call it: Fear of Freedom. A couple days ago I looked through some of my old journals from when I was the most unhealthy with food and exercise. At that time I had a huge, almost paralyzing fear of gaining back all the weight I was working so hard to lose. A lot of my fears were based on “what ifs” with the most pressing one being “what if this weight-loss doesn’t last?” Recovery was more of an idea instead of a reality, a place I really didn’t want to go.

Fast forward five years to where I’m at now in recovery, and I find it interesting that there is still a thread of fear. I’m realizing this week that there are different kinds of fear. I’m still afraid of recovery, but not like I used to be. Since declaring freedom for 2010 and fighting last month’s rebellion, recovery has become a reality. For a few months now I have given my word not to weigh myself at work. But I was only half committed and often went back on my word…that was until about 3 weeks ago. Yes, I have gone 3 weeks without knowing how much I weigh. It’s amazing that something so trivial to a non-disordered eater is a huge ordeal to this girl.

Imagine with me, two rooms separated by a door. I, the disordered eater, am in one room and the lights are on and I know where I am at but it’s not really a safe place to be. People are standing in this room with me, my recovery team, and they tell me that on the other side of the door is a much better place. I can’t see it. They open the door, it’s dark, it’s scary, and I’m afraid to go in (the idea of recovery)…but I finally decide to go anyway (when recovery becomes a reality). One person takes me by the hand and leads me into the dark room. I can’t see. I feel lost and I’m afraid; but, I know that the one who’s holding my hand has done this a thousand times before and knows this room better than most people. There are sounds, the temperature changes, things brush against my arm, and I don’t know what’s happening. I am reassured though that if I keep going in this direction, things will become familiar and I will one day navigate this room on my own.

In my mind, if I could just get on the scale then the lights will come on and I will have my bearings. Without the scale I can’t decide if I’m eating too much or too little, but my dietitian is teaching me other ways to be healthy instead of relying on an ever changing number. This is hard. I am uncomfortable and uncertain but I know it’s right. I’m not living under paralyzing fear. I’m living with a fear that says this stuff is strange but that’s okay, it’s normal, and hooray there’s someone to help me through it.

I have no idea what’s coming next, but God promises he won’t give us more than what we can handle.

I used to get so tired of hearing the Sunday school answers when it came to how I felt about my body, my eating disorder, my sadness. But, this week I have been reminded that no matter how cheesy it seems, God’s incomprehensible love for me is THE ONLY thing that can bring true Joy, it is the only reason that I am alive, and His grace is the only thing that can take away my fears and my pain.

Why is it that we can know and believe that we are created for a purpose but still live our lives as if we are worthless? I hate that the world can beat us down so much that our lives become teeny little boxes that are sealed tight- and we don’t let anyone open the boxes. We try to live by breathing through the cracks in the box, hoping the box doesn’t get dropped too much, and clinging to the safety of isolation. But, really we aren’t living. We only see the 4 blank walls of the box. Numbed by the constant bumps the box encounters along the way, we soon stop feeling even the pain- and we definitely don’t see the light.

I hated my box. Even when I loved it, I hated it. My life outside the box right now is really chaotic. Work is stressful, people are hurting, I am battling serious fears. But, living outside that really small box has given me so much joy. So much room to grow into the woman God has created me to be. And, it’s only God’s constant love and grace that has been shown to me over and over and over again- that has helped me stay out of my box.

Are you trapped in your eating disorder box, giving in to the lie that your tiny box is all you deserve? What would your life look like if you opened the box a little. If you start to believe that God created you for something so much bigger than anything you could imagine?

Sunday school answer, yes, but, Jesus loves you more than anything. Enough to die for you. And, you were not created to live your life in a box- you were created to love and be loved, and you are worth more than any number, size, food, or article of clothing. Your value is not defined by the way you look or what you have done or how successful you are. Your value defined by the one who created you, perfectly.

Clearly anyone who comes to this site and reads this blog is here because he or she has an interest in body image or weight or eating disorders or disordered eating. So let me dive right in and share something that I’ve wondered about for awhile now (and this is based on my own eating disorder history,z as well as from listening to my clients for the past 12 years).

I am curious as to why it is that so often high body weight people feel invisible in our culture whereas those struggling with anorexia are often trying to be invisible yet are noticed more because of their extreme thinness. It’s like the opposite happens between these two groups and neither one really gets his or her true heart needs met because of the reinforcement around them. Obviously both populations need to be seen for the beautiful people they are, individuals with innate value and worth in God’s sight.

Last week I found two amazing verses in I Corinthians 15:37 and 38: “When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. But God gives it a body as He has determined, and to each kind of seed He gives its own body.”

When we look at a seed we can never tell what kind of plant or tree it will be, but the people who put the seeds in packets know the truth of what it will grow to be like. Similarly, God knows exactly the truth of who we are in seed form, at the core of our being, and here it says that He knows exactly what kind of body fits with that seed. He decides what our body type will be and He matches the truth of the seed of our identity to the body that He puts us in.

God has placed us in the bodies we have and we’re right just the way we are. We have to stop wishing we looked like someone else and learn to accept our frames as they are because clearly God said that He determined the right shape for each of us.

It is freeing to think about the fact that we all have different bone structures and height and ethnicity and it all comes together to give us completely different looks. In other words, we’re not all supposed to look like Halle Berry or Jennifer Aniston. Instead we’re each placed in bodies that have their own unique shape and look that match God’s truth at our core. It seems to me that there would be wisdom then in asking God to help us discover His truths about who we are, truths that are tucked deep inside under the surface just like seeds are hidden yet hold incredible life in them.

So enjoy the body you have today, knowing that the truth of your identity is in the seed of who you are in Christ.