2010…

Wow…what an end to a decade, and boy time sure does fly by. It was 10 years ago I graduated High School, and was starting my adult life. I was a big ball of emotions. I knew that life would be exiting and challenging and it still proves itself to be so.

I look at myself in the mirror now, and I still see me (that in itself is a major victory). I’ve gone through many lessons, some hard, some easy, but they have all made me stronger. Stronger in my life, stronger in my faith, and stronger in my love.

I’m overjoyed that I’m still on this earth, still serving God. I still have friends and family that support, and love me unconditionally. I still have the opportunity to be the person God created me to be. I still have power to change someone’s life for the better.

I’m amazed that 10 years later I still have all the possibilities I started out with, and more opportunities on the way:)

The holidays are upon us, and I’m so ready for them this year. As for many people, this is the most wonderful time of the year (family, friends, gifts, parties). Yet for many others it’s a time of great pain, and harsh realities.

I have to say that in the past, this time of year has been filled with guilt, and a whole lot of stress. While it seemed that everyone else was enjoying the many treats laid out before them, I was worried about the huge amount of fat I was packing on, and when the calorie nightmare would be over. All I could think was “Oh boy, there goes my perfect summer body”. I remember putting on the “happy face” so no one would notice the sweat dripping from my forehead, as my family and friends once again passed around the many pies they baked. That overwhelming feeling of being trapped by my circumstances, feeling completely OUT of control was what got me through those not so happy times.

It was not to long ago that my perspective changed. Like many of us here, my thought process through food was not my reality. I told myself so many things that I thought justified my behavior, instead of what would really support my safety and health. Now that God has brought balance to my life through love, I see now that my circumstances should not dictate my peace, and joy. The most important lesson I could have learned about my body was that “I control it, it does not control me”. The choices I make for myself this holiday can bring support and love to my body. Now I feel empowered and secure that when they pass around the second helping of …whatever…and they most certainly will, that I will feel completely, IN control.

I’m thankful for mental peace, and spiritual joy. What are you thankful for this year?

Fall….I love Fall. It’s not hard to do when you grow up in New Jersey.

It always seemed that all the earth would take a deep breath, in preparation to celebrate the birthday of our Savior. All the colors of red, orange, and yellow were like signs of warmth and love. I can’t help every year, no matter where I live, to feel a certain joy and peace surrounding me.

That feeling took a little longer this year to come. I’m living in Arizona right now, and if you have ever been here, you know Arizona lacks season changes. It normally goes from HOT to COLD. So, that warm-fuzzy feeling you get with Fall was delayed by the 109-degree weather.

Besides the climate difference, I was in a bit of a funk anyways. So even imagining a perfect Fall was out of the question. I found myself really wanting to turn back the clock. I think we all have times in our lives that seemed to be happier and more peaceful. The friends we had were more loving, and the places we lived were more exciting.

As a 27 year old, I still feel the need to chase these moments and feelings. Always fighting the restlessness I feel. Always thinking that where I was, is always better than where I am. Mentally exhausted from constantly searching for something better and more exciting than where I am. Always asking my older family members when this cycle will end, and them always saying “Give it patience, you’ll find yourself”. Sometimes feeling that patience will run out, if I keep asking for it.J

For the past 5 years, I’ve lived in a new state every year, taking this emotional and mental rollercoaster with me. Never realizing that it was not the place I was unhappy with, but the person I was unhappy with.

These past couple of weeks (after THE JEAN nightmare), I really took sometime to look at myself. I no longer wanted to carry these burdens myself. They were getting too heavy, and I felt myself getting angrier for holding them up on my own for so long. I started thinking of what I really needed and wanted. What were my true dreams and goals? What really and truly gives me joy, hope, love and peace? Just in thinking of these things, I started feeling more free.

God always talks to us about the difference between how we think of ourselves vs. how he thinks of us. Wow! Even in just thinking that there is a difference. God’s plans for us are to prosper us, and to give us life, and not just life, but life more abundant. The very thing I have been searching for all this time. His value in us is so much more than our value in ourselves….Why is that? Why do we shame ourselves, and think so little of ourselves? Why do we abuse our minds, bodies, and hearts?

Well I’m happy to say I found my Fall this year, and not surprisingly, I found it in God. I also found new value in myself. Yes, I have far to go, but at least for now I can just THINK on it and feel the freedom in that.

I am truly blessed to have such an amazingly talented family. They seem to be able to do it all, and they love God while doing it also.

One of my amazingly talented cousins has her own clothing line called Renee Michelle, based out of Nashville. While I was in Nashville she taught me a lot about fashion, and how to own your own style, so I decided for my birthday in April (I know, but that’s not why I was named April) to treat myself to some Renee Michelle originals.

One of the items we decided on was a dark skinny jean, with a sailor twist, because I love all things sailor. We talked in length about the details, and Renee got to work on them.

Well, not too long ago they were complete, with a number of other items I went gaga over. I was beside myself when she told me they were in the mail. I waited for two days, and they finally arrived (I know not a long wait, but I was excited). There was a wide white belt, to go along with my jean bubble dress, a 50’s style red black and white polka-dot dress, and THE JEANS. I tried on everything else, and it all fit perfectly. Now it was time for THE JEANS.

Now being a Black American dancer, sometimes our thighs can be very muscular, and it can be hard to find pants that fit well. So, even though the jeans were tailor made for me, I was still a little nervous trying them on.

I put both feet into THE JEANS, slipped them up with both eyes closed, praying to myself the whole time, “Please Lord, Please Lord, Please Lord”. Victory!!!! Both thighs fit into THE JEANS, with room to spare, and looking good. I was so excited, nothing could stop me now, I imagined what shoes I was going to wear, what shirt would do these babies justice. I slipped them passed my booty, and went to zip them up, when it happened…

Nooooo, they don’t fit, they won’t zip. I instantly went into a panic. I tried and tried to zipper them, but I WAS TOO FAT, or that’s what my first thought was. I starting analyzing everything I ate between when I gave Renee the measurements and now. I went crazy, pouring over every detail of my life since April.

Well, I decided none of that mattered now; I was determined to fit into those jeans, no matter what. I started working out like crazy, eating less and less. Trying on the THE JEANS everyday, I didn’t even realize what I was doing; I was so focused on getting into those jeans.

Thank God for Fb; I remembered last week that I forgot to write my blog for this week, because of the obsession with THE JEANS. I thought, “How am I going to write about balance, if I am completely out of balance?”

One thing I love about God is that he knows how to set us up for success. He is truly here to give us life and life more abundantly. He set me up, and I didn’t even know it.

When I started guest blogging, I knew that I was going to receive a whole lot more than I was going to give. So far, I’ve learned that Fb is a place to not only find balance, and a fresh start, but now for me, accountability. Everyone needs to be accountable to someone or something in his or her life. This is what keeps us on track with healthy goals, and not harmful ones. I’m happy to have found Fb, and I encourage you to find an accountability partner, so that when THE JEANS of life come your way, you can stand strong and true to yourself.

This week has been a constant battle to keep my authentic self ALIVE. I have been so demanding on my own self. Finding no mercy for me, but plenty for everyone else.

I remember earlier this week, standing in front of the mirror expecting perfection to happen like magic, and when it didn’t, I remember feeling highly disappointed. All logic at this point was out the window, and since I couldn’t control the mirror, I decided to try to control everything else. Running around like a crazy woman, thinking if I had more money, more things, more friends, then maybe I could satisfy my hunger for control, and perfection. I quickly wore myself out.

I found myself giving up my hope, peace, and love for perfection, control, and unrealistic expectations. I was wrapped up in the cares of this world, storing up treasures that would fade and rust. I was totally out of control, and desperate. How easy it is to lose oneself so quickly.

When I was in school, I remember my acting teacher asking my classmates and me, “What makes a great actor”? We had so many smart answers J, like, “commanding the audience” or “the ability to hold the character”. He just shook his head, and smiled. Well after what seemed like an hour of wrong answers, he finally put us out of our misery. He said, “What makes a good actor is their story”. Of course, we were all confused and dumbfounded, but he was patient with us. He said, “Everyone has a story (purpose) to tell. A cause they find worth fighting for in this life. It comes out in the music they play, the books they read, the roles they play, and more importantly, in the way they live their lives”. Now the room was dead silent, we were all thinking of our stories, our causes. He then broke the silence and said, “Every role you play, every line you say, and every show you perform it should support your story, and your cause”.

I find this to be true in life. Everyone has a story, a testimony that supports his or her purpose. Most of us never think about it, we let other people choose it for us, and find ourselves disappointed in the results of our choices. I know that my hunger for control this week came from the lack of staying true to my story, and purpose. I got tired, and found myself giving in, allowing the world’s view to control what was important to me. Focusing on the unrealistic ideas that you have to be this small, this tall, have this much money, and have this much fame.

I know the more I add to my story (purpose) the more I will be challenged to stay true to myself, but at least now I know the alternative.

Remember store your treasures in heaven…they’re the only ones that matter anyway.

Hope, peace, and love – that’s my story…what’s yours?

The last time we talked, I told you I was a dancer and an actress. I believe I referred to it as “the circus.” I call it that because if you have ever been around the entertainment industry, you will quickly find out that it is a circus, full of clowns, illusions, and dangers.

For years I have witnessed women and men struggling to find their identity not in what they do, but in who they are, including myself. I started out as a ballerina, and I loved it, until it became more psychological than physical. Having to weigh a certain amount to be lifted and to fit into the costumes would have made me crazy. Even when I quit ballet, I still carried around those fears of not being good enough. Always wondering if I would have gotten the part if only I had been thinner, stronger, or prettier. Or maybe if I wasn’t Black.

I am a Black American. I say Black American because I’m not truly sure where my family heritage originates. (“Identity Crisis” coming to a blog near you…)

I would love to say that race, creed, or gender have nothing to do with finding balance or identity in my life, but I think we all know that is not the case. I believe that finding balance and identity means finding truth and living in it. The truth is I am a Black American; I look completely different from the average person on the magazines, television, and now, internet ads. I struggle to not blame what I believe to be my failures on my race and looks. It’s constantly a battle of “was I too black?” or “was I too fat?” It sounds funny because it rhymes, but it is my reality right now.

What is reality anyway? Is it the lies we tell ourselves that actually become our truth? Or is it the actual truth of who we really are?

For example, isn’t it funny how easy it is to talk about everyone else: how amazing your friend is, how helpful your family is, how beautiful your best girl/boy friend is? Yet when it comes to ourselves, we get so flustered, and find ourselves at a loss for words.

As an entertainer, I’m totally cool with all eyes on me. But when it comes to my own eyes on me, I apparently don’t see the same thing everyone else does. I have this person in my head who seems to be the perfect me – what I look like, how I come across to others, who I am – but is it the truth? Why is it so hard to accept what the truth is for our own selves, and not what we have made up?

Most days I conquer the lies I have made up about myself, and some days it’s harder. Truly seeing myself as God sees me…hmmm, what a concept. What freedom.

My life is a scale of truth and lies, one side always winning out. The mystery is which one will win today.

Hi friends. I’m honored to introduce you to our newest guest blogger, April Rozier. I first met April when she auditioned for our True Campaign video, and I was refreshed by her positive spirit and authenticity, particularly when it came to debunking the myth that women of color don’t struggle as much with body/image/weight stuff. The truth is, women are women are women, no matter our skin. Somehow, I’ve got a feeling we’re gonna learn a lot more about that from April. Enjoy! – Constance

Hey there. My name is April Rozier. I guess I’m the new kid on the block, so I’m sure you want to know something or everything about me….

I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. I’m actually a lot into yoga (since I teach it), and I’m pretty sure I have at least half a brain…haha.

As you can see, I find laughter to be my best medicine, so I’m sure I’ll be using it a lot here on this blog.

I am 27 yrs old, living right now in Arizona. I say “right now” because it seems I can’t stay in one place for too long. I’m originally from Collingswood, New Jersey, the south side of Jersey (and if you know anything about Jersey, you know that South and North are like two different states). I have an older Sis and Bro (whom I adore), and I share the honorary position of youngest sibling with my twin brother. My family and added family (friends) are pretty much the backbone of my existence. I happen to have this crazy idea that I was not created for myself, and that people are my biggest joy and challenge. But that’s another blog.

I’ve been in the entertainment circus ever since I can remember, and now it is my life. I prefer dancing and acting, but recently I’ve moved over to more of a teaching position. I just started my own Yoga/Pilates business, which is surprisingly picking up, and I have found a new passion: Performance Coaching.

I’m sure if you had asked me at age 10 what I’d be doing now, I would have never said Yoga/Pilates instructor or Performance Coach, but as we know God has his own plans for our lives, and his always seem to work a whole heck of a lot better than our own.

It’s been a long time coming, but I have to say that I feel I am at a really joyful place with myself and with the world around me. Now I should tell you this “feeling” could change with the tide, depending on the amount of dark chocolate that is at hand, but I’m learning right now about how to move that “feeling” to an actual “lifestyle.” Not just saying, “I feel great,” but actually learning to be great, and to do great things.

It’s a work in progress, and a journey I hope you’ll join me on…